May 25th, 2010, “Searching Outside Of The Family For Similar Values” Part III, Ernest Leaks, Gladstone Middle School and the “ballers”, “Hook”, “Heavy” and “Fats”, the Freemans.
How can I focus on understanding and living my grandfather’s value system and dedicate so much time and energy to my newfound love of basketball? These conflicts burdened me. I really tried to make sense of life.
You might be thinking that a young man my age would be incapable of such introspective thought. In the 1960s era many people were aware of the civil rights movement. Thinking about larger social issues and how they impacted our individual lives was common for young and old alike.
My grandfather had his own opinions. Frequently he’d express to me that we have to be careful about asking others to help us, or give us this and give us that.
“Son, we need to come together and build our own schools if that is what is needed”. “Don’t let me hear or see you asking someone to doing something for you that you can do yourself!”
That era raised our consciousness. We all dealt with it in different ways. Mine was an introspective approach, trying to live a value system taught by loves ones, establishing friends outside of family, and trying to make sense of it all.
My grandfather’s strict values, independence, self-reliance, education and reading, was emphasized. I kept secret my thoughts and feelings until I was older and able to make sense of them. My grandfather even forbid me eating at someone else’s house. He felt strongly that I was his responsibility.
So many questions I kept secret but pondered them incessantly:
Why is there so much hatred in the world?
Why are we so cruel to one another?
Why is there so much racial hatred in Chicago?
Is the rest of the world like Chicago?
Why don’t white people live in our neighborhood?
Why do men treat women the way they do?
Why is Aunt Ida making me read so much?
I started to realize that it would take total dedication to obtain the basketball skills of our local legends.
Would I ever be as good as a basketball player as “Fats” and “Heavy”?
Do I really want to dedicate so much time and energy to basketball? To what end?
Will my lack of dedication affect my relationship with Ernest and Fink? Can I live with that?
Sometimes I’d play basketball and my young mind would focus on trying to understand my surroundings, making sense of my family system and not disappointing all of my basketball friends.
These friends made it clear to me that I was talented. Fink’s expectations were high during those years. Fink lived and breathed basketball. Was I able to balance all of these expectations? I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
I failed to live up to my basketball expectations. My confidence started to suffer. I lacked the confidence to excel because I could not bring myself to dedicate all of my energy to basketball. I endured many demeaning comments during those middle school and high school years. I had no answers or resolutions because I never shared them with anyone. Not family. Not friends.
Throughout those school years, Ernest remained supportive and encouraging! “Brother Ern’s” loyalty as a friend helped me tremendously.
As a young man who loved his grandparents and aunts, I obeyed their values with out question. But secrets and conflict continued to haunt me.
June 1st, 2010, “Searching Outside Of The Family For Similar Values” Part IV, Ernest Leaks, “Heavy”, Crane High School and the coaches, my conflicts continue!
